Crippling Anxiety - My Story

Anxiety is common in autistic people, particularly social anxiety. Every day we are asked to function in a world that was not set up for us to thrive. We are asked to deal with constant changes, complex social interactions and sensory stimuli. You may think - "So What! Everyone has to cope with these things." As Autistics we have a higher level of sensitivity to the changes around us, sensory stimuli can be overwhelming, change requires adaptability beyond our capability and social interactions require us to pick up on hidden social cues, facial expressions and body language that often elude us. All of these things induce feelings of discomfort and anxiety.

I have lived with anxiety all my life, particularly social anxiety. I can read social cues, facial expressions and body language but I have to work hard to read them and I'm slow at processing this information. At one point in my life, I wouldn't have a conversation with anyone unless I had a script of dialogue in my head and an exit plan. I hid in toilets at school during recess and lunch when I couldn't silence the anxiety. This anxiety led to unhelpful thoughts that swung wildly through my head like an uncontrolled wrecking ball. At 14 and half years old I attempted suicide, truly believing the world was better off without me. The only reason I only tried once was my sister was soon after diagnosed with Cancer and I knew my family needed me to help care for my younger sisters.

In order to try to control this anxiety I created a set of strict rules by which to function in life, "don't draw attention to yourself", "Only talk about what others are talking about", "wear plain coloured clothes and no patterns", "only interact with people when invited or to fulfill an expected task" and "don't let people know your different". By my early thirties I started to tell people I felt oppressed and people including therapists would tell me how ridiculous I was being as no one was oppressing me. No one would listen long enough to realise it was me that was oppressing myself in order to survive in a world that I had learnt didn't understand me.

I always loved that song by the Goo Goo Dolls, Iris - "I don't world to see me, because I don't think that they understand ... I just want you to know who I am" Yep, exactly how I felt. I look back on that song and I wish I could tell my young self - One day you won't care if people understand you or not.

It would take me another 10 years and the confirmation of an autism diagnosis to finally allow me to stretch my comfort zones, let go of some of the rules, drop the masking and accept my beautiful different self. This blog is part of that work that is still in progress. Stay tuned for more posts on coping with anxiety.