Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Birthdays

I always aim to make my posts as positive and helpful as I can. This one might not meet that mark as much as I would like. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in simple terms is where any form of criticism, exclusion or rejection no matter the intention behind it becomes overwhelming for the individual. The reaction to the rejection is often blown out of proportion and can be mentally and physically paralysing.

One of the hardest times of the year for me is my birthday. Birthdays were always a big thing when I was growing up and for me, they were always reminders of my social inadequacies and how little I really connect with people. Don't get me wrong I know a lot of people like me as a person and if I was around, they would be happy to interact with me, but that is often where it ends. I have learnt social skills, but I don't really connect with people, so when they think about hanging out with someone - I'm not that someone. Now, this is not a pity party. I long ago accepted this and decided that giving any mental or emotional weight to this is only damaging to me and really not worth it. But around my birthday, when I wish that for one day that when I invite people they would want to come or that those closest to me (other than family) would go - oh it's her birthday and we haven't done anything in years let's make an effort. Sadly, that has not been the case and it is often my sisters who make me feel less alone in the world. You could argue that people forget, and people are busy, or you need better friends. Trust me if only those were the issues and if you think they are then you lack empathy for an autistic person without the ability to connect with people.

Image taken from nueroclastic.com.

So every birthday I have a choice, put myself out there and try to organise something with people or just do something with my sisters. For the last few years, I just did things with my sisters and it was great. This year I attempt again to organise something with people and I'm really regretting it already. As I write this I am struggling with RSD, it's not until tomorrow but I have no definite yes or no RSVPs and I know that means no one with join. I'm not sure if I'm (1) overwhelmed by the uncertainty, (2) feeling a sense of valuelessness in my one-sided friendships or (3) angry at myself that I care. I once told someone that people didn't value me if they never made an effort, and I got torn down for that comment. I'm older and wiser now and I realise life is complicated and people are complicated, but I stand by the statement - if someone can make a lot of effort for other people in their life (non-family) but not you then you are not valuable to them. Sadly, I think internalised introverted autistics often end up not being valued in their friendships, they are not remembered or thought about. So, the rejection is real, it's not intentional and I am not trying to attack the rest of the world with this blog, but it is real.

Image taken from nueroclastic.com.

Does that mean I have no progress in my friendships in the last year? That I have no one who values my friendship? No with this reaction right now, 80% of what I am feeling is based on past trauma or experiences and 15% is based on RSD, 5 % is based on people having very real complications and the other 5% is people being jerks. It is important in these moments to take the time to reflect and go through all of the strategies and processes you learnt in therapy to help see the situation as it really is.

Having said all of this, what do we do? There is no easy answer to this, but this is what I do or will do in future.

(1) Plan a day with family or people I know I can count on

(2) If I want to do something bigger, get someone to plan it and don't

get involved in the inviting and RSVP process - it just hurts. My 30th birthday was done by my sisters, and it was a blast.

(3) Make your life and birthday about you and not about who is involved as much as possible - so in short make who comes secondary to what you're doing to have fun

(4) Continue to find your people. I truly believe that everyone has people who will connect with them somewhere out there and people who will value them. Sometimes, it takes a while to find those people. I feel like every year I get closer to finding my people. I have more people I interact with regularly, but most of them don't live in my state or country.

(5) Shut down past trauma as it tries to reassert itself. Sometimes the situation is not what it seems, and we need to use all of our strategies from therapy to see it correctly and not allow it to consume us mentally and physically.

AND

(6) if you are someone who is caring for or supporting someone with autism or RSD, take the time to reach out and shoe them you care, particularly on days that are special to them.